Techmyology

The first scan was a trial, for me. It was at 13 weeks and I'd felt ill or weird enough for most of them to know without a doubt I was pregnant. Around the end of week 12, in textbook manner, this horrible feeling cleared, leaving what one would imagine being a feeling of delight and wellness radiating. Instead there was a niggling fear- what if I'm not pregnant anymore? What if this little thing which has had me feeling sea sick as sitting in a dinghy tossed upon an open hormone ocean had ceased to be? And worse, would need to be removed!?
No amount of logic overcomes this line of thought when your body isn't showing you what it's up to and you remember every story you've been told ending in miscarriage. At best I could just agree with myself I would have to 'wait and see' and worry if indeed there was something to worry about... I tried to think happy thoughts. We had heard his heartbeat lying on the couch at home with the midwife there, at 7 weeks, a very positive experience.
But then, at 10 weeks my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat and blamed her equipment and the 'early stage'*. I guess deep down this really played on my mind.... maybe, when I was asked IF it would upset me IF she couldn't find a heartbeat I should have said YES and not let her try. Clearly now if there was any upset I could only blame myself.

Soooo, we arrived at Qscan on time, everyone had said scans were so great, but as soon as Simon pulled the car into the parking space a dam of tears burst. I was instantly sobbing like a schoolgirl. I didn't want to know any bad news, didn't want to go in there.

But my internal eternal optimist voiced reason and I pulled my shit together, making my behavior fall within social norms enough so we could go in. Somewhere in there my Mum had met with us and regarded me with mild confusion: 'is this not a happy day?' 'no.' We went in the glass sliding doors and started to fill in forms and then we were ushered in to a small dark room, I had gone numb with fear. Soon enough we saw a little person on the screen, we heard his heartbeat loud and clear and a huge weight lifted from my shoulders, I exhaled, and inhaled. It was now okay to let myself fall in love, with him and with technology.

(*) I since realised my doctor is a total (f*&%^$ r#^@*d) after she really went out of her way to prove it to me on a number of occasions after this

Comments

  1. The WifeAugust 10, 2009 at 3:51 AM

    Ohhh sweetheart - his and yours. Glad his is still there. xx

    ReplyDelete

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